Counting Down the Rocky Sequels

1. Rocky IV. The best Cold War movie ever. Rocky topples the Russian(s). The real question here is, how did Dolph Lundgren get cast as He-Man just two years later? Millions of kids were first getting acquainted with Ivan Drago, the human version of The Terminator, and some casting director thinks kids are going to believe he's a good guy? I'm 30 and I still don't believe it. Masters of the Universe would've been better with Van freaking Damme. Following Balboa's ultimate triumph and victory speech, the standing ovation he gets from the Moscow crowd including Gorby himself is pure cinematic moxie, and should've been the final moment for the franchise.

2. Rocky II. There is a temptation to rank Rocky II as the worst of the Rocky sequels, blaming its success for all that followed. In this one, Rocky deals with impolite ad men, unemployment, his car payments and getting fired from a meatpacking plant. To quote Kathy Bates from Primary Colors, "it's all so human and awful." But Rocky triumphs, meeting his newborn son only after Adrian comes out of her coma, and beats Apollo by one second in a match that earns this movie its spot.

3. Rocky III. We rejoin Rocky as he's riding high, listening to "Eye of the Tiger" while he's losing his. He's the Champ, has numerous title defenses since outlasting Apollo, yet doesn't seem to even recognize Clubber Lang (or his number one ranking) at his retirement press conference. He also allows Clubber's accosting of Adrian to go on comically long. Rocky III's ethos is driven by the passing of his surly trainer, Mickey Goldmill. In his first go-round with hot, sweet mortality, Clubber is to blame for Mickey's death, Rocky is knocked out for the first time on-screen, and Apollo swoops in to train his venerable rival against their mutual nemesis, Lang. Hulk Hogan is memorable as "Thunderlips," Mr. T. is convincing as the disrespected brawler from Chicago, and Apollo's beach training sequences with Rocky do more than border on homoeroticism. Highly watchable and replete with montages, this is a true 80's movie.

4. Rocky V. After losing Mickey in Rocky III and Apollo in IV, Rocky's money is put to sleep in Rocky V. Broke and retired (again), Rocky goes back, where he started, this time working at Mighty Mick's, with Adrian across the street at J & M Tropical Fish. Rocky goes from managing the gym to managing Tommy Gunn all the way to the top, only to be dumped in favor of Don King parody George Washington Duke. He then wins a streetfight and walks off (and presumably lives the rest of his life) happy being King of the Neighborhood.

5. Over the Top. Rocky throws everyone a curveball when he changes his name to Lincoln Hawk, wins an armwrestling tournament and his son's love, thwarting the evil Robert Loggia. After a summer he described as "wild as hell," he returns to his life in Philadelphia and the professional boxing circuit.

6. Rocky Balboa. There isn't much to say about the final chapter of the life and times of our hero. Not much to say at all. Other than Milo Ventimiglia is just awful.